Week 37: Roller Coaster

Do you ever have those moments where you pause, look around at your life, and wonder how on earth you got there?

Roomies!

I remember the day I moved up to Utah State after high school.  My mom had said her goodbyes after helping me unload my stuff and buying me lunch at Taco Bell.  I sat on my new bed in Bullen Hall #106 surrounded by books and boxes, trying to memorize the campus map and schedule so as to not get lost on the first day of classes, realizing for the first time that I was on my own, and I really only knew maybe six people total in all of Logan.  I was confident that I could make it on my own, but it was one of those moments - is this really happening?  Is this really my life now?  Yes, yes it is. 

The view from our apartment

Fast forward a year and a half.  I had met Matt, had a ring on my finger and a wedding date set in 6 months.  I had just stepped off the airplane after 20+ long hours of traveling.  I was exhausted.  It was only 4 pm, but it was already dark in St. Petersburg, Russia.  I greeted the host family I'd be staying with for the next five months and wearily climbed into the back of their car.  I frantically clutched the handle of the car as my host dad weaved in and out of traffic at 125 kilometers per hour - I couldn't remember the conversion, but at the time it seemed WAY too fast.  As we entered the busy streets of the city he pulled on the parking brake at a stop light, got out of the car, and started yelling at a guy in another car.  Not knowing a word of Russian, I had no idea what he said.  As we pulled up to the ugly dilapidated communist block apartment building where they lived, once again - how on earth did I get here?  Is this really happening?  Is this really my life now?  Yes, yes it is.

+, +, maybe +, +, + = heart attack

After surviving Russia and enjoying 5 happy years of marriage, Matt and I decided we were ready to have a baby.  We tried unsuccessfully for 7 months to get pregnant.  By February, Matt had mentioned that he hoped I wouldn't get pregnant that month - I was working at CRS as an Engineer, Matt was going to graduate in May, our lease was up at the end of May, there weren't ANY companies hiring, and we honestly had no idea what we were going to do/where we were going to go that summer.  While I really wanted to get pregnant, there was so much uncertainty at the time, I had to agree with Matt.  But then it happened.  I missed my period.  I came home and took a pregnancy test, then 4 more tests just to make sure.  I was pregnant.  Matt was so shocked when I told him that he wouldn't even talk to me that night.  Is this really happening?  Is this really my life now?  Yes, yes it is.

Sweet little guy!

8 months later we were frantically trying to get our house in a decent condition to welcome our new little boy.  With 5 weeks until my due date there was much to be done.  I went to work that day, just like any other day, and assured my boss that I would be able to finish up this new project before I went on maternity leave.  I went home and began laying out the pattern I had made to paint a tree on the nursery wall.  I stood up, ran to the bathroom - red.  My heart was pounding and I couldn't stop shaking as we quickly drove to the hospital.  I was rushed into a room and thank goodness everything was ok, but there were no real answers.  The next day sitting in my hospital bed shopping online for the baby essentials - crib, car seat, stroller, changing table.  Two days later we had our little baby in the NICU.  I knew all along that everything would be ok, but it was much too soon, so much left undone!  Is this really happening?  Is this really my life now?  Yes, yes it is.

Last week sitting in the Dr.'s office awaiting to hear the news of the latest test.  "I'm sorry, there's a chance we could do in vitro, but otherwise, there's nothing we can do."  And just like that, an icy dagger shatters my dreams of ever getting pregnant again.  I feel as though someone has punched me in the gut.  I believe in miracles, and I believe that God has power to do all things, but I don't feel like I should sit around waiting for one.  And so we fill out the adoption application.  I try to suppress the pain that comes with giving away my maternity clothes.  I try to be grateful for the blessing of our sweet son.  All of the sudden we have joined the thousands of couples struggling with infertility, hoping somehow, someway that we will be able to expand our little family.  Is this really happening?  Is this really my life now?  Yes, yes it is. 

Life is a roller coaster with it's constant ups and downs.  At times I wish that it could be easier.  At times I just wish I could have things my way.  At those times I realize how much I really don't have a say.  I believe ultimately God is in control, that things happen for a reason, and that these ups and downs are not just placed in front of us to make life miserable, but to make us stretch, to grow, to achieve our full potential.  I realize how far I have come from that young girl away from home for the first time.  I recognize I have a long way to go.  Sometimes I don't like what happens in life, but looking back I can see how it is good for me, and how truly blessed I have been.  God has been at my side every step of the way, and this latest trial will be no different.  The thought of all the paperwork, home inspections, payments, absence of answers, and the unlimited wait time are mind boggling at the moment.  But at least we have Alex.  At least we have medical answers and aren't waiting around with false hope.  At least we have each other.  And for now that is enough.

Happy photographing!