Week 47: Roller Coaster (Part 2)

For anyone who missed Roller Coaster Part 1, you can find it here: http://alaurendeau.blogspot.com/2013/09/week-37-rollercoaster.html

As Thanksgiving approaches, we have so much to be grateful for as our story continues.

Is this really happening?  May 31, 2014.  Needless to say, we aren't looking to adopt at this point in time.  This can't possibly be happening!  Is this really my life now?  Miraculously enough, yes, yes it is!   

For those of you who want the details, continue reading.  For those of you who don't care, feel free to stop here. :) 

I got a cold the last week in September.  I also missed my period but figured it was due to the emotional stress of the past month and thought nothing more of it.  The next week my pants started to feel a bit snug, so I resolved to exercise a little more and eat a little less junk; I tried to complete a P90X workout and almost passed out.  I began to feel more and more tired; I figured maybe it was the lingering symptoms of the cold. . . .then I started to feel nauseous.  "Dang, if I didn't know any better, I'd almost think I was pregnant."  But this was impossible.  So we met with our case worker and started trying to make sense of the long adoption process ahead of us.

Things did not improve over the following week.  I felt completely exhausted and sick to my stomach.  I finally concluded there must be something seriously wrong with me, and resolved to take a pregnancy test - just to make sure - and then go see a dr.  I bought a cheap $1 test.  Positive.

POSITIVE?!!??????
POSITIVE??!!!??????????? 
POSITIVE???!!!??!?!????!?!????!?!???!??!

Let me pause here just for a moment and emphasize how truly miraculous those two little lines on that test were.  Fertility depends a lot on your age, weight, health, genetics, etc., but average sperm count ranges from 20-40 million; and with those 20-40 million swimmers, a couple only has about 15-25% chance of conceiving each month.  Of course there are things you can do to improve the odds, but looking at the whole picture, it's fairly surprising when anyone gets pregnant.  So taking this into mind, consider now where Matt and I were.  We had two semen tests done that both showed a sperm count FAR below 20-40 million. . . they were ZERO.  Matt was diagnosed with Primary Testicular Failure - which basically means the boys shut down, no one knows why, and there's nothing they can do to treat it.  It is a permanent condition, irreversible, unchanging.

It had seemed pretty clear that the chance of us getting pregnant was non-existent. . .so you can imagine our surprise!  When I told Matt, he asked, "Whom, may I ask, is the father?!"  When I assured him that there was no possible way it could be anyone else, he asked, "How did that happen?"  "I don't know. . ."  (In his defense I don't think he ever actually thought I cheated on him, he was just a little shocked, as you can imagine.)  I think both of us couldn't quite believe the positive test until a couple weeks later when we were sitting in the doctor's office.  "The fetus is in the right spot, it has a good strong heartbeat, everything looks good!"  Holy crap, this is actually happening!   

When we initially found out the news of our infertility, there was a lot of talk of miracles.  "So and so got pregnant after the doctors said it was impossible!"  "My best friend's neighbor's sister in-law got pregnant after chemo!"  That's great for your best friend's neighbor's sister in-law, and believe me, I would congratulate her if I ever had the chance.  It's always good to hear those types of stories.  I'm a big believer in miracles, but let's be honest: for every one of those stories, there are plenty more where a couple was hoping for a miracle that never came.  At least not in the way they wanted it to.  There are at least three families right here in our neighborhood who's dreams of having their own biological children never happened.  All three families are absolutely incredible - good, honest people who work hard to do what's right and help those around them.  In my mind all three of these families "deserved" a miracle.  But guess what?  It never happened.  And guess what else?  Their lives didn't end.  They all went on to adopt and became fantastic parents who loved and accepted the children as their own.  I'm sure all three of those women would admit that there is still some pain at never being able to get pregnant and carry a baby to full term - even though it's been many years for some of them - but I'm also fairly sure that they would admit that they found just as much joy and fulfillment in becoming parents as anyone else.   

As I listened to people's adoptive stories, it was pretty incredible.  All of them experienced times of hurt, loss, and frustration.  But each story had some element where it's as if the planets aligned, and for one random reason or another, the birth parent and adoptive parents would both know without a doubt that that child was meant to be theirs.  And to see the joy in these people's faces as they talked about how they felt when they were first able to hold that little baby, when the adoption papers were signed and that baby was officially theirs, when they were able to take their other children and be sealed together as a family across the sacred alters of the temple, their stories are truly a miracle. 

So I spent a month building myself up.  Yes, I was sad that I probably wouldn't get pregnant again.  I recognized that there was a chance - anything is possible, but really, what's the point of holding out for a miracle?  Yes, adoption would undoubtedly have it's hard times, both in getting a baby and raising him or her.  But I came to see it in a whole new light - adoption is a miracle, it can be incredibly beautiful, and I was excited to experience it.  And it was at this point that I found out I was pregnant.

Talk about a 180. . .

We are so so excited though!  We are incredibly grateful for this tremendous miracle that has happened in our lives.  I have no idea why we had to go through this, or what might lay ahead.  Perhaps we will have another miracle in a couple years or perhaps we will go on to adopt.  Perhaps a few years down the road we will become foster parents.  Who knows?!  I'm done trying to plan my life.  I can only imagine God sitting up there saying, "Oh Amanda, you just think you know what's going to happen, just you wait!"  And so I will wait and be grateful for the things that have happened thus far. We have so much to be grateful for!

I hope everyone has a fantastic Thanksgiving this week!

Happy photographing!